How to Avoid Getting Cancelled

So in order to not get cancelled, it is simple. Just don’t risk anything of yourself being online pre-2022. If you existed online before then, do not let any content of yours be shared out of context in a post-TikTok world. A joke from 2014 might have been hilarious at the time, but today, it is a crime against humanity.

No goals. No tongue slips. And for the love of God, do not mention Ozempic. Avoid giving opinions on food, because that is diet culture. Never celebrate weight loss, and actually, avoid showing you have lost weight altogether. People will decide for you whether it was healthy or problematic.

Aging naturally is bad, but getting filler is worse. Stay youthful, but do not look like you have tried to be youthful. If you let yourself go, you have given up. If you get Botox, you are insecure. If you go grey, you look tired. If you dye your hair, you are refusing to embrace your natural self. If you look your age, you need to take better care of yourself. If you try to look younger, you are trying too hard. Remove your body hair, but not in a way that makes it obvious you care. Let it grow out, but not too much, or that is disgusting. Be natural, but not too natural.

Be confident, but do not come across as arrogant. Be low-maintenance, but don’t be boring. Wear makeup, but obviously don’t over do it. Dress well, but do not look like you put in too much effort. Be sexy, but of course, not too sexy. Talk about your relationships, but do not talk too much about it even if that’s all the press ask. Date, but obviously not too many people or you’re labelled desperate. Have a fun night, but don’t get drunk. Be smart, but do not be intimidating and come across patronising. Have personal opinions, but do not ever share them if TikTok disagrees with it.

If you are a public figure and suffer a personal tragedy, brace yourself. Let’s say your house burns down in wildfires, prepare for backlash for having a house in the first place followed by an online celebration that the universe finally humbled you. If you get divorced, expect speculation about what really happened. If you try to keep it private, people will assume you’re hiding something… because ironically, the public thinks your personal life is their business. If you are caught publicly grieving, you are seeking attention. If you mention financial struggles, people will assume you’re out of touch… because if you were ever on TV, you must be rich. The reality is often the opposite, but that doesn’t fit the narrative. If you complain about exhaustion or burnout, you do not understand what real work is.

Make sure you publicly support the LGBTQI+ community but be careful how. If you don’t publicly show support, you’re labelled homophobic. If you do, it’s performative. Miss a letter? You’ve done it on purpose. Use the wrong flag? Failed the test. Slip up on pronouns, even if you correct yourself? That’s it, you’re cancelled. It doesn’t matter if your intentions were good. In this climate, there’s no right way, only the least wrong way.

If you are famous, you can no longer publicly eat meat. And absolutely no flying. Even if it's for work. Even if it’s economy. If you post a photo from your flight and you’re in economy, you're mocking it. If you're caught there by a fan, you're poor and failed.

If you have a joke, do not even think about it. Being funny is a risk. Sarcasm will be taken literally. Irony will be explained back to you. Satire will not survive. The safest approach is to post neutral, agreeable content that offends no one. A sunset photo? Great. A caption saying we all need more kindness? Perfect.

Do not own the wrong pet. If you have a rescue, you are performative. If you buy from a breeder, you are a monster. And be warned, you’re also expected to know the entire political and ethical history of every brand, product or business you come into contact with. If a company you use has any link to anything remotely controversial, you’re complicit.

If you’re single, expect headlines about why you can’t find a man, whether you want one or not. If you’re in a relationship, people will question how serious it is. If you’re engaged, they’ll predict the breakup or assume you’re his beard. If you’re married, divorce rumours are inevitable. Have a child? Prepare to be mum-shamed before you’ve even left the hospital. Don’t have kids? You’re selfish and will regret it. Get divorced? The public will demand every detail, and if you don’t share, you must be hiding something.

If you host a TV show about entertaining guests, you’re an out-of-touch monster for assuming regular people have time to turn fruit into a rainbow. If you cook for more than one person, you should be feeding the less fortunate. If your kitchen is bigger than a shoebox, you’re flaunting your wealth.

Never do a Halloween costume. Never say Merry Christmas too confidently, but don’t avoid it either or you’re erasing tradition. Don’t post anything that sounds like a resolution. Self-improvement is now capitalist propaganda. Delete your old tweets, stay indoors, and if all else fails, post a photo of your reusable cup filled with shade-grown, ethically sourced, organic coffee beans, brewed with rain-harvested water and a dash of oat milk…. and log off.

Of course, this is satirical... and pretty true. Most of these examples have come from random phonecalls and real client situations I’ve had over the years. That’s the thing about the internet. It demands perfection and authenticity at the same time. You’re expected to be real, but only in the right way. Flawed, but only in ways people find relatable. And people forget there are two sides to every story, especially when one of them is quieter.

It’s fine to laugh at the absurdity of it all, but I’ve seen the other side. I’ve had clients sit in front of me mid-breakdown, convinced they can’t keep going. I’ve heard people say they’ve lost everything over a lie. I’ve had people shout through tears that their life is over, not because of what they did, but because of how it was framed. And the reality is, the public rarely knows even half the true story. It often becomes a race to get a version of the story out first, because once the audience believes something, it’s near impossible to undo. Controlling the narrative becomes survival. Cancel culture, in most cases, isn’t about accountability. It’s about control, performance, and public punishment. And it’s exhausting.

If any of this offended you, I guess thanks for keeping me in business.