The Apology Trap: Why Saying Sorry Can Make Things Worse
There’s a pattern in public scandals that plays out like clockwork. A celebrity, CEO, or influencer is accused of something, whether it’s poor behaviour, a tone-deaf remark, or something more serious. The internet erupts. Headlines demand accountability. Social media campaigns gain traction. And then, the inevitable: an apology is issued.
It’s almost a reflex at this point. Say sorry, hope people move on. But in reality? A bad apology can do more harm than good. In some cases, it can be the thing that cements public perception against someone. And from a legal standpoint, it’s even riskier, because the moment you apologise, you often admit fault.
Ellen DeGeneres: When Saying Sorry Backfires
Take Ellen DeGeneres. When allegations surfaced about a toxic workplace culture on The Ellen DeGeneres Show, the backlash was swift. For years, Ellen had built her brand on kindness, but suddenly, ex-employees and industry insiders were painting a very different picture.
She did what most public figures in crisis do. She apologised. On the season premiere of her show, she opened with a statement acknowledging the controversy. But rather than putting out the fire, it made things worse. People felt it was scripted. Others thought she was making light of the situation. Some simply didn’t believe her.
The real issue? Her apology admitted fault for things that, in reality, were never her responsibility.
I’ve worked in large businesses where I never once spoke to the CEO. Even in mid-sized companies, leadership is often distant from day-to-day staff issues unless a direct complaint reaches them. It’s even more pronounced in television. I’ve been behind the scenes with clients on numerous TV shows, and you rarely interact with the main presenter or star unless you’re on stage with them. Their job is to perform, not to manage production logistics or HR complaints.
Ellen would have arrived, done her show, and left, just like most high-profile hosts in the industry. The idea that she should have been overseeing workplace culture personally simply doesn’t reflect how these environments operate. There are layers of producers, HR, and management teams responsible for those dynamics.
By apologising, she validated an expectation that she was at fault for things she likely had little involvement in. Instead of shifting focus to those who actually managed the workplace, she placed the blame on herself, and in doing so, made it impossible to escape the narrative.
It wouldn’t be surprising if there was pressure from the network or her team to issue an apology. In situations like this, networks often want to be seen as addressing the controversy swiftly, even if it means a host taking the fall. From an optics standpoint, an apology makes it look like action is being taken, but in reality, it can shift the blame onto a public figure who may not have been directly responsible. If that’s what happened here, it would explain why Ellen’s apology felt more like damage control than a genuine resolution.
If I had been guiding this situation, I certainly would have argued against the apology request. There were a number of ways to resolve this situation for her career without her taking responsibility for something she didn’t oversee. Deep down, I truly believe she could have salvaged her career with better guidance. The apology was painful to watch, knowing it was essentially throwing away such a hugely successful career when there were far better ways to handle it.
The Legal Risk of Saying Sorry
Beyond the PR disaster, there’s a legal side to apologies that many people don’t consider. In many cases, an apology is viewed as an admission of guilt. Once you say sorry, especially in a formal statement or a public setting, you’ve given lawyers, HR teams, and even potential lawsuits ammunition against you.
This is why I never let my clients apologise as an easy way out if they’re innocent. An apology might feel like the quickest way to end the noise, but it can open doors they’ll struggle to close. Once someone apologises, the conversation shifts from “Did they do it?” to “They admitted it, now what?” and suddenly, they’re stuck in a cycle of reputational damage that could have been avoided.
The Risks of a Bad Apology
Not every situation calls for an immediate apology, and yet, there’s an unspoken rule that public figures must say sorry the second controversy hits. The problem?
If the apology is too soon, it can seem insincere. If someone apologises before fully understanding what’s happened, it looks reactive rather than reflective.
If the apology is too late, it can seem forced. If someone waits until the backlash is unbearable, it feels like damage control rather than genuine remorse.
If the apology isn’t real, people can tell. Audiences are more cynical than ever. If a public figure doesn’t truly believe they did something wrong, their words will reflect that. And when people sense inauthenticity, they turn against them even more.
If the apology implies legal fault, the consequences can spiral. It can impact contracts, employment status, lawsuits, and future opportunities.
The Real Way to Fix a Reputation
The real problem is that we’ve conditioned people to believe that an apology is the only way forward. But in a world that thrives on outrage, a bad apology doesn’t close the story. It keeps it going.
So, what’s the alternative?
Assess first, react later. A rushed statement can cause long-term damage. If the situation is still unfolding, it’s often better to wait and respond strategically.
Be clear, not just sorry. Instead of a generic “I’m sorry if anyone was offended,” which rarely satisfies people, a more effective response focuses on clarity, explaining what happened, addressing the issue, and outlining concrete steps forward.
Consider whether an apology is even necessary. Not all criticism warrants a public apology. Sometimes, taking action quietly is more effective than a performative statement.
In Ellen’s case, her real mistake wasn’t just in the wording of her apology. It was in assuming that an apology alone would fix the problem. But in today’s world, words are rarely enough. And saying sorry, when done badly, can be the very thing that makes people less willing to forgive.